Living

Living is hard.  Unpredictable.  Full of ups and downs.  Learning to live again after existing in mental anguish for so long is precarious and confusing...  What's real?  What's normal??  I feel exhaustion and lower moods with trepidation...  Could a bout of depression be on its way?  And yet, no...  This is life.  Living.  Normalcy...  How strange to feel unable to recognize the difference between disorder and normal...

Today, I'm told I am symptom free.  I'm told that being symptom free, since there is no such thing as a perfect recovery, implies that I am no longer plagued each day with the chaos of my former existence.  My disordered existence is no longer controlling my day; dictating everything... 

Standing on the shores of recovery feels a lot like walking in the sand...  Today I am on firm footing.  :)  I feel earth beneath my feet, and while water may sometimes lap at my ankles, I no longer feel like I'm in danger of being dragged to sea, crushed against the rocks.  I feel movement beneath me.  I have a healthy respect for the ocean; I know better than to turn my back.  Today I can breathe.  And laugh.  Play.  And love...  ♥

I have had my last group therapy session.  And I will be discharged from out patient on February 15th.  I am not complacent.  I will stretch and dance at the water's edge, enjoying my new found confidence and space.  And I will continue to work as I've been taught.  I will continue to hold to my limits.  To push myself to do what is hard.  Talk.  Trust.  Feel.  These three words have been a beacon in the night for me...  A mantra for life and the living.  I know the darkness and despair that lurks in the shadows.  I trust that something better awaits.  :)