Holding a Candle

Shakespeare wrote, "Must I hold a candle to my shames?"

Therapy, journaling, recovery from an eating disorder...  All of these things require us to hold a candle to those dark and secret shadows which instinct drives us to hide, even from ourselves.  But without looking honestly at ourselves, our experiences, fears, doubts, dreams...  We cannot hope to regain the sense of self which we misplaced along the way.  Shining a candle does not, in my eyes, mean that we necessarily need to aim a spotlight at ourselves and broadcast any and every thing to the world...  But it does mean being truly open to learning about oneself.  Being honest with oneself.  Willing to learn, live, think, and breathe differently. 

In my own experience, it has been the things I am ashamed of that I most need to examine.  Those are the things that I have attempted to bury through layers of depression and disordered eating.  And while turning my gaze upon the shadows is painful, as the pain passes through me, it takes some of the shame with it.  I have begun to recognize how many things which happened to me in the past continue to hold enormous power over me today because I have continued to carry the shame as my own.  Talking about these thing, writing about them, sharing them has lessened their power because I was able to see that the shame belonging to these events was not mine to claim...  The shame belongs to those that acted against the child that I was.  The shame belongs to my abusers.  Learning to set that down is not easy.  But it is a crucial step which cannot be neglected.  One cannot recover without doing so.

Candlelight is softer than pulsing flourescents.  More forgiving than beams of light that would cut through the darkness.  Examining those shameful shadows through the flickering light allows our brains to process bits at a time.  We do not have to take it all in at once to see the picture and release the shame.  We need only to look to begin to heal.