Working Like Ducks

I once heard those in recovery described as working like ducks.  On the surface, things look nice and calm...  We tell others we're fine...  We go to great lengths to hide our struggles and discomfort.  We hold everything in.  We constantly replay conversations and passing comments, looking for any hint that someone is "on to us", or "overly concerned", or even showing "too little concern".  We analyze our own responses.  Fleeting facial expressions.  Momentary, but telling, displays of a lack of interest...  Beneath the surface, we are working like ducks!  Everything is a flurry of movement...  It's hard work to make things look effortless.  And the irony is, we seldom succeed in doing so. 

This points to how important it is to avoid making comparisons.  I am reminded of the sentiment that comparing one's insides to another's outsides in always fruitless...  We cannot compare and judge our own struggles, pain, experiences, or even healing journey with another's, because attempting to do so is an attempt to see beneath the surface.  And as anyone in recovery can attest, it's hard enough to feel our OWN legs paddling beneath us...  We truly cannot grasp the depths of others'...  Even if we could, doing so would not be healthy or helpful. 

In my own experience, I've found that when I compare myself with others I am generally seeking to understand myself better.  As if in comparison, I can see how I "measure up"...  Am I "worse"?  "Better"?  "Less worthy"?  "More fortunate"?  Have things been "easier" for me?  "Harder"?  And does making these judgements really change me or my experience?  Absolutely not.  ♥

If we really want to learn more about ourselves, we need to look inward...  The answers, hard as they are to see, reside within each of us...  We sometimes need help in finding the answers, seeing what is in plain sight, and interpreting how our cumulative set of life events has changed us and our perspectives.  The temptation to reach for a self-help book or to tap out a Google search is tangible.  And while I feel these things do have merit, I must acknowledge that we sometimes try to use a flashlight when we really need a floodlight to see through the maze of tangled emotions and fears...  The darker the air we breathe, the more help we need in our attempts to shine a light.  There's no shame in asking for that.  ♥  Asking for help is the BRAVE thing to do.  ♥  And learning to accept ourselves, whoever we are, is always powerfully worthwhile.

Introduction

I have written on-line for a year and a half, but I am new to the blogging world.  I'd like to begin with an introduction and set my purpose for this blog. 

I intend this blog to be a place of recovery and healing.  I've been in recovery from an eating disorder for as long as I've written on-line, and I'm thankfully in the latter stages.  I've come through a lot, and while I get so much out of my running communication with others in various stages of recovery, I would like this blog to be a place where I can share my journey, story, perspective, and HOPE.  ♥ 

Recovering from an eating disorder is an extremely difficult process.  It's not simply about learning to chew and swallow.  It's not just about learning to love ourselves.  It also encompasses issues of perfectionism, control, learning to be open and honest and vulnerable.  It means learning how to ask for, and accept, help.  It means finding out who we are, learning to appreciate our uniqueness, feeling, honoring, and expressing our emotions, and most of all, truly living. 

I don't consider myself a "recovered" person...  But I am certainly well on my way.  I am recovering and growing in so many ways.  I constantly hear praise for my improvements and wonderment from others that perceive my journey to have been "easier" than others'.  That is neither an accurate nor healthy assumption.  My journey has been harder than many, and easier than some.  Comparing does not benefit anyone...  We all experience our own particular stew of events, emotions, and internalizations.  These experiences, coupled with our individual personalities, work together to create our world and self views.  I do not wish, nor could I, begin to represent the experience of those with eating disorders.  It is my sincere wish to represent my own, in hopes that the sharing will offer hope to others, as much as it will empower me.  ♥